Holding My Baby
Heidi Poliafico
Lancaster PA USA
From NEW BEGINNINGS, Vol. 18 No. 6, November-December 2001, p. 208
Some people are closet nursers.
I've read all about them. They are mothers of toddlers who are still
nursing but never, ever in public. When the conversation leans toward
breastfeeding, the closet nurser quickly changes the subject or may
even bend the truth. These mothers are doing what they believe is right
for their child and their heart.
I wonder what people would
say about me. I'm nursing a toddler, Lauren, who is 15 months old and
I'm seven months pregnant. I plan to tandem nurse and I tell anyone
who will listen. To add to everyone's horror, we have always had a family
bed and we already have the "sidecar"set up for the new baby
to join us. Again, I tell anyone who will listen.
However, it is naptime that
I have yet to "come out" with. I tell people that Lauren naps
fine. What I don't tell them is that I hold her during her naps. That's
right, I'm a closet holder. I can't help it. My heart melts when she
falls asleep in my arms nursing, her breathing becoming slow and heavy,
her face relaxed and beautiful. How could I possibly miss a minute of
that? It's intoxicating and I can't give it up. Not yet.
It all started with the sling.
Lauren was fussy during her first few months and I would wear her from
morning until night in the sling to keep her contented. With the help
of the sling she nursed and slept all day in my arms. She was happy
and I was deliriously in love.
When she was able to sit
up, crawl, and play, I missed the time she spent nestled in my arms.
My friends, family, and pediatrician all lectured me about maintaining
my independence and creating hers, "Don't spoil her. She'll control
your life." But nursing her to sleep and then holding her while
she napped just seemed natural me. As reinforcement, I saw the benefits
every day. Lauren has always been a good nurser and a very easy child
who is almost always happy. My husband, Joe, must have noticed this
too as he never complained, even when the housework fell miserably behind
and his cooked meals became more and more sparse.
I have missed many parties,
movies, dinners, and hours on the treadmill because I can't lay Lauren
down and get away while she naps. I've made up countless excuses to
avoid confessing, but it has all been worth it. When Lauren is an adult
and on her own, I will have the memories of the hours I spent smelling
her hair and feeling her breathe while she slept peacefully on my chest.
I will always remember watching her drowsily wake up with hot rosy cheeks
only to look at me lazily and snuggle back into my neck or into my breast
to nurse again into dreamland.
Lauren will soon outgrow
my arms, especially with a new baby on the way. This has made me hold
on to and treasure our naptime even more. I have well-meaning friends
who tell me I should "try not to pick Lauren up so much. If you
keep picking her up all the time, she'll have a hard time adjusting
to the new baby." I just nod. If only they knew.
Last updated Friday, September 29, 2006 by njb.
Page last edited Sun Oct 14 09:29:52 UTC 2007.
